i’m about to have some delicious smokey salami pizza so i think everyone should enjoy some chill pizza beats
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Its been a long time. Its been a really long time since its been this bad but it crept up on me. Ive known for a while now that i have not been okay but I thought by throwing myself into work I could get through it. Turns out that spending every waking hour at a job you barely tolerate trying your best for other people and not taking care of yourself in order to do that “better” is a really good way to overload anything resembling an abilty to cope. I can’t manage it anymore. Ive had no less than 6 coworkers ask me if im okay because they can see in my eyes that im not. My entire life my only effective coping mechanism has been to maintain control of my emotions, keeping them in check and keeping a happy functional face to show the rest of the world. If i can fool everyone else into thinking im fine, it really cant be that bad right? Its not working anymore, everyone can tell except me. I deluded myself into thinking i was fine to the point that everyone in my life knows that im on the verge of falling apart except for me. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so, so, so tired.
Obligatory 4/13
Merry Homestuck. We are all still trash. You cant escape.
I finished putting together the Irish-American heritage month display and Jesus CHRIST there are so few books about Ireland in our collection?? Once more, I must say:
Oh and for the people who asked me last time what "a lot of stuff" entails
How the FUCK did I forget this
I honestly don’t understand why there aren’t more people who, when given the platform to discuss minimum wage, don’t simply distill it to the simplest of facts:
- A forty hour work week is considered full time.
- It’s considered as such because it takes up the amount of time we as a society have agreed should be considered the maximum work schedule required of an employee. (this, of course, does not always bear out practically, but just follow me here)
- A person working the maximum amount of time required should earn enough for that labor to be able to survive. Phrased this way, I doubt even most conservatives could effectively argue against it, and out of the mouth of someone verbally deft enough to dance around the pathos-based jabs conservative pundits like to use to avoid actually debating, it could actually get opps thinking.
- Therefore, if an employee is being paid less than [number of dollars needed for the post-tax total to pay for the basic necessities in a given area divided by forty] per hour, they are being ripped off and essentially having their labor, productivity, and profit generation value stolen by their employer.
- Wages are a business expense, and if a company cannot afford to pay for its labor, it is by definition a failing business. A company stealing labor to stay afloat (without even touching those that do so simply to increase profit margins and/or management/executive pay/bonuses) is no more ethical than a failing construction company breaking into a lumber yard and stealing wood.
- Our goal as a society should be to protect each other, especially those that most need protection, not to subsidize failing businesses whose owners could quite well subsidize them on their own.
- Wages are a business expense, and if a company cannot afford to pay for its labor, it is by definition a failing business. A company stealing labor to stay afloat (without even touching those that do so simply to increase profit margins and/or management/executive pay/bonuses) is no more ethical than a failing construction company breaking into a lumber yard and stealing wood.
Always reblog.
And this is tiktok we need
75% of the time if something is paywalled, fucking around in developer mode looking for a link to the real thing or finding and deleting the content blocker works like a charm
also if ur lazy like me or just straight up cant figure out how to do this without deleting 90% of the page
theres this extention called Poper Blocker
which not only.. blocks popups. but also has this thing called “Remove Overlay” when u right click which works a good 99% of the time in my experience in getting rid of paywalls.
Oof that was a lot of feelings last night. Im not normally that talkative about my like emotions and I think thats an issue. Ive been withdrawing from all my friends for like almost a year now and pretty much only talk to my fiancee. Thats not her fault or anything, im very single minded and tend to lose myself in relationships in the sense that they kind of become my singular focus. I know thats not necessarily healthy especially since I have like, smothered all my other relationships in attention to the point of being obsessive, including friendships. I dont know why im like that. Why i cant just have a regular friendship where there are like normal boundaries and I have my own life outside of that relationship. Its always either me being all in to the point where its annoying and intrusive or I go through the effort to become friendly with someone and then I just kind of give up for some reason. Its not any of my friends faults, I guess im just kind of a piece of shit like that. I dont really have a coherent reason that i can put into words but i guess the closest thing is that I dont want to bother them? Like i get really invested to the point where all I do is exist around people and then the first time they show any disinterest or inconvenience with having to deal with me I convince myself that they hate me, are tired of me, want nothing to do with me, and that i should just leave them alone. Which I know isnt like, empirically true, like sure they might be annoyed with me in that instance but that doesnt mean they wish i would just drop off the face of the earth. I guess its some weird combination of needing constant attention and then at the same time feeling like im totally undeserving of that attention. And then this happens. I sit here wallowing in the fact that i dont have any friends instead of just like, fucking talking to the friends that i definitely still do have and whos feelings I am probably hurting by just dropping off the face of the earth because, again, dysfunctional piece of shit.
I feel like im slowly losing control. The finish line is so close and I keep losing steam. Every time I take a step forward i get more and more exhausted and it never seems to get any closer. Thats all very metaphorical but suffice to say I feel like im falling into a bad place I have not been to in years and im so scared that im going to ruin everything. I feel the walls going up and this time there isnt anyone to save me from myself. Im too irresponsible to have the free will to just do whatever I want. It feels like im an idiot kid playing with matches and im going to set myself on fire. I feel alien in my own head, like there is some other person piloting my body into a ditch. It doesnt help that im self aware. If I didnt know what my shortcomings were, i could at least feign ignorance to the trainwreck im about to cause, but i do know whats happening. Im letting the broken awful part of my brain be in control because I cant work up the energy to just deal with my problems as if they are not miniscule. The issue is that they are not going to be miniscule for much longer. They are very quickly going to snowball out of control if I dont do something about it but i just feel like i cant. maybe it wouldnt be a problem if i could just scream or cry or do SOMETHING to let it all out but after so many years of stopping myself i cant even do that, and at this point it would pretty much be a full blown mental breakdown. i want to cry. i just want to let myself be sad but every time i feel my chest get tight and my eyes start to hurt from the pressure of it all i stop myself and i just cant get over the fucking hill in my brain to let me feel something. i just want to feel something, anything other than the feeling that everything could come crashing down around me at any moment, anything other than the need to cover it up with distractions and caffein and nicotine and alcohol. I feel like a fucking prisoner in my own mind and body and im so tired of feeling tired.
Don’t have kids if you’re traumatized and it’s going to get in the way of raising a kid safely and healthily and not in a way that’s also gonna traumatize them in a different way. And don’t have kids if you think it’s going to “heal yourself through the purest form of love” children and their childhoods aren’t your guinea pigs to experiment with for your own healing
Wait. Um. Excuse you? 🤨
I think op was pretty clear? Don’t have kids if you’re not in a place mentally where u can give them a healthy childhood. Traumatizing ur kids won’t fix your own trauma, all it’ll do is create more traumatized people. Children are people and u can’t just use them as some sort of fun project to get over your own issues
Sometimes breaking the cycle is not having kids